This is the third iteration of “The Welcome Matt”. The original version was a weekly college campus newspaper column I wrote that was published for a couple of years in the mid to late 1980s. The second version of “The Welcome Matt” was distributed in email format in the early 2000s before the formal creation of blogs. We may post “The Welcome Matt” articles (proto-blogs) from the 2000s. And now once again direct from somewhere in cyberspace I like to call my laptop, “The Welcome Matt” returns for a third time for your reading enjoyment (and as my form of no-cost ranting and raving therapy).
By now I would assume that you’re tired of sheltering at home, working from home, being with your family at home, and last but not least, participating in Zoom meetings at home. Although I had used Zoom prior to the pandemic, I have really come to despise the Zoom meeting. It’s not natural (and somewhat anxiety producing) to have to look at various meeting participants at the same time “Brady Bunch – style” while on a Zoom meeting. Here’s the story of a lovely lady staring at me on another annoying Zoom meeting while I am trying not to be obvious in making eye contact with her or her three lovely daughters.
I just don’t like to look at myself (although ironically, I do like to hear myself yell, scream, carry on, rant, and express my constant general disapproval at everything that bothers me). I just don’t need a visual reminder that I look old (because I am old), that I am irritable (because I am old), that I am bald (because I am old), that my face is bloated (because I am old) – you get the video (I mean picture)?
So since I am at home all of the time and I am pretty much bored out of what’s left of my mind, I decided to find out what I can do to look better on Zoom meetings (even though I recently started not joining by video to protest the implicit assumption contained within every Zoom meeting invitation that you will fully participate in the video aspect of the meeting). Really? Last time I checked this ain’t The Jetsons and I don’t have a flying car either so I am not turning on the friggin’ video anymore and you can’t make me.
Here’s what a Google search recommended for “Zoom meeting etiquette”. These recommendations actually come from a GQ article entitled “6 Ways to Look Your Best on a Video Call”.
How do I look cute in Zoom?
But if you’re looking to steal the Zoom spotlight, here’s how:
- Get acquainted with mattifying and tinted moisturizers….
Mattifying? I am always Mattifying. Matt (me) + defying my wife = Mattifying.
- Powder yourself….
Where? So as to avoid jock itch and athlete’s foot? Isn’t the video supposed to be focused on my face and shouldn’t I be wearing pants and socks?
- Kick-start a camera-ready skincare regimen….
This is what the GQ article states “Obvious, but important. Get rid of face surface oil so your products will be absorbed better.”
Not so obvious, wash your pizza face and turn off the video so we aren’t blinded by the reflection off of your greasy face.
- Spot check with concealer….
I am having trouble finding old, irritable white man concealer that matches my old, irritable white man skin tone. Is it OK if I just turn down the lights or wear my N95 mask instead?
- Take extra steps for oily skin….
The GQ article recommends “charcoal blotting papers because these have extra sebum-cleaning properties”.
Will charcoal briquettes wrapped in toilet paper do? Also, why do I have to clean my sebum? Isn’t that getting a bit personal?
- Find your most flattering light.
If I found my most flattering light couldn’t I just skip #1 through #5?
The other thing about Zoom meetings I can’t stand, is the nostril view. Seriously, can you put some books under your laptop or phone to elevate the camera to focus straight on your face and not up your nose. I have yet to see a pleasing nostril view. You know why? Because there is no pleasing nostril view! In addition, at least trim your nostril hair. Again, Google recommends the following:
How to trim nose hair:
- Stand in front of a mirror with good light. (You know, your most flattering light.)
- Blow your nose first and clean out any hardened mucous that might get in your way. (Snot. This is snot. Get rid of the snot. Another part of the nostril view that is annoying.)
- Hold the scissors firmly and tip your head back. (Use really long scissors which will reach the base of your brain. Keep going until you black out.)
- Trim nostril hair.
- Blow your nose a few times after trimming to get extra hairs out. (And more snot! There’s always more snot!! Your nose is a snot factory that never shuts down.)
Here’s an interesting fact. When I was a child, I got invited to audition for a PBS children’s show called “Zoom” (the original version from the 1970s).
Another interesting fact. “Video Killed the Radio Star” is a song by The Buggles which was released in 1979 and was the first song and video played on MTV on August 1, 1981 when MTV first premiered.
Well I guess I won’t be seeing you in any Zoom meetings anytime soon. But if I do, hopefully you will have a new appreciation for my well-trimmed nostril hairs. And lack of hardened mucous (snot!). Do you know how Google also defines ‘snot’? – a contemptible person. See you later. I have to Zoom!
Copyright 2020 “The Welcome Matt”