We are writing on behalf of our client, Matt, who may or may not have met your criteria for presents, gifts, toys, etc. As to whether Matt has been “naughty or nice” this past year, we find this criterion to be somewhat arbitrary, subjective and completely vague. For example, for every 10 people who would say that Matt has been naughty, there is probably at least 1 person who would say Matt is nice . . . OK, maybe not even one person. However, in defense of our client what does it really matter if someone is naughty or nice? Isn’t the point of Christmas to give . . . and our client is certainly more than willing to receive.
Our client hereby makes the following requests for this Christmas:
1) Peace, joy and goodwill for all people.
2) Our client’s former, complete and natural head of hair.
3) An end to people’s dogs peeing, pooping and otherwise fornicating on our client’s lawn.
4) Some youthful optimism.
5) Reimbursement for damages (as further explained below) incurred by our client as a result of your actions last year.
With regard to your ability to see our client when he is sleeping and knowing when he is awake, please cease and desist this activity immediately you old, fat pervert. You are blatantly violating our client’s privacy, as well as, his civil rights. Whether or not our client is sleeping or is awake is irrelevant to whether our client should receive presents, gifts, toys, etc. In addition, due to our client’s privacy concerns and to avoid any unfortunate breaking and entering complaints this year, please forward all items requested above to our client at the following address:
c/o The Welcome Matt and the
Federal Witness Protection Program
P.O. Box I812
Taco Bell, AZ 99999
In addition, our client seeks reimbursement regarding the following damages (see itemized list below) that were incurred as a result of your activities last Christmas Eve at our client’s residence:
1) Roof damage from a less than perfect landing involving an overloaded sled and 8 reindeers = $800 (haven’t you heard of a “driveway”? how about the street?)
2) Chimney/hearth damage from your forced entry = $500 (how about using the front door? do you live in a barn?)
3) Milk and cookies = $8.25 (hey Santa you may want to cut back on the refined sugar and carbs)
4) Cleanup of reindeer droppings = $100 (this was pretty disgusting, how about picking-up after your reindeer?)
In closing, we would like to remind you to please remember to check your list twice this year to avoid any unnecessary disappointment on behalf of our client. Please note too that our client will not accept Christmas list substitutions and/or deviations. Our client has had previous, bad experiences with Christmas list substitutions and/or deviations.
Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatam & Howe
on behalf of The Welcome Matt