Apparently my mom did not find the last “Welcome Matt” as humorous as everyone else did. Below is my mom’s attempt at trying to write a coherent and intelligent reply to the last “Welcome Matt”. My commentary is in [brackets] . . . of course.
Here we go again! I think my son is having a midlife crisis. [Pre-midlife crisis to be exact, but what does that have to do with your poor taste in decorating?] After reading the last “Welcome Matt” I found it to be not only ludicrous but also flagrantly offensive. [Like your decorating sense?] However, after I calmed down I did see some of his warped humor behind it. [And in front of it, and on the side of it, etc.]
Let’s get the facts straight. [No matter how much straightening you do, the facts remain the same.] My ‘old’ Magnavox stereo cabinet might date back to the 70’s but I do not want you to get the impression that it is just an old beaten up piece of junk furniture that my son implied it to be. [OK, don’t just take my word for it ask my dad. He was not particularly happy about placing the crappy stereo cabinet in the middle of the living room.] It is not. On the contrary, there is not a mark or scratch to be found on the cabinet which is by the way, not ‘Florentine wood’ but ‘Florentine finish’. [I never said the cabinet was ‘beaten up’ or scratched, just a piece of crap. And you did state that it was made of “fine Florentine wood’.] And this coming from someone who’s favorite furniture store was IKEA! [It was IKEA and that was 10 years ago. And by the way, there’s better crappy furniture at IKEA then in your home.] Give me a break!
After showing my friends a copy of the last “Welcome Matt”, one friend said (and I quote) – “beat him up!” [Them and what geriatric ninja squad?] When they saw the cabinet in my living room they thought it was a beautiful piece of furniture with one of them even commenting that if ‘she saw that piece’ she would buy it in a minute (this coming from an interior decorator who once dealt in antiques). [What did you expect your friends to say? They aren’t going to insult you to your face like your son. At least I’m honest. And if one of your friends would be willing to buy your stereo cabinet, then sell it to them . . . fast before they realize it’s a piece of crap.]
And when I played the radio they were surprised how well it played after all these years. [Were their hearing aids turned down by chance?] Not only that, as fate would have it, songs were coming out of it that took us all back to the 1970’s! [Were you smoking dope and listening to my ‘Doors’ 8-track tape?] We had a lovely afternoon of cards, music and nostalgia. And yes, that is how we retirees spend our retirement years – enjoying the things that make us happy with people we enjoy being with and generally doing whatever we damn please. We earned it! [What a love fest. A mind is a terrible thing to go to waste. Or, in the case of you and your friends a mind may just be a terrible thing.]
More importantly, the cabinet not only houses a fine radio and speakers
but also has a turntable – yes, a turntable on which I can play my ‘oldies but goodies’ records. [A what? A turntable? Do you think that CDs are teeny tiny records? Did you forget about the $500 Bose Wave radio/CD player sitting on your kitchen counter?] I only hope that 30 years from now Matt will be able to still play his precious Bruce Springsteen CDs on some old piece of equipment. [Most likely your $500 Bose Wave radio/CD player.]
Sure you can’t beat a Bose Wave radio/CD player — however, even though my Magnavox has a ‘loudness’ dial instead of a ‘volume’ dial, it does have something that definitely does not exist on our newer radios — and that is ‘fine tuning’ capability. Yes, you can actually fine tune a radio station. Can you do that on any of the new radios? I think not. [Let me give you a brief lesson on ‘modern’ electronics. The reason there is no ‘fine tuning’ capability on newer radios, stereos, etc. is because they are all digital and capable of automatically locking onto radio signals without the need to ‘fine tune’ them.]
So let your Mom enjoy the simple pleasures of life and if I enjoy my Magnavox stereo and delight in the memories attached to it, cut me a break while I still CAN REMEMBER. [Do you remember the $500 Bose Wave radio/CD player we bought you with the exceptional sound quality? Now it’s time to take the pill that reminds you to take the pill that makes you remember what reality is.]
Copyright 2004 “The Welcome Matt”