Oh, God!

Oh, God! That’s right, ‘The Almighty’, ‘The Supreme Being’, ‘The Divine One’, ‘The Big Guy Upstairs’, or my favorite, ‘Morgan Freeman’ from the movie “Bruce Almighty”. God would like to relay the following message to the readers of The Welcome Matt: “You’re going to die eventually. Deal with it. Cleanup your act now while there’s still time. Just like Santa, I know when you’re naughty or nice. And yes, there is a Hell and it’s not adolescence or going to the Motor Vehicle Commission office.”

I hope God remembers that I went to catholic school and was led to believe by my principal, Sister Perpetual Annoyance, that as long as I didn’t smoke, I abstained from premarital sex, and I am generally good I would go to Heaven. On second thought, perhaps I should just move to a warm climate now and start getting used to being in the heat. I can’t help but wonder – is Hell a dry heat like in Arizona or an annoying humid heat like in Miami?

Regardless of whether I am going to Heaven or Hell, I do have a few questions for God. For example, why did You create so many stupid people? Is it like some kind of tolerance test for all of the smart people or were you just not concentrating very well when you created them?

Why do men reach their sexual peak at the age of 18 but women reach their sexual peak in their 30’s?

Is ‘Eternity’ a popular cologne in Heaven? Do atheists annoy you?

Why aren’t there many blue fruits? What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile . . . between a yam and a sweet potato?

What was the point of making a platypus? Wouldn’t the chicken have come first?  

Why is the Holy Land in the Middle East where there is so much violence? Shouldn’t it be in a nice place like on Christmas Island, Easter Island, or at a Seven Flags Amusement Park?

Do You really bless America or are we just assuming you do? Are You responsible for lightning hitting people or is that really just an act of nature?

When someone dies and goes to heaven, do they first see a big mechanical God who yells at them and breathes smoke and fire while You’re behind a curtain off to the side operating the special effects like in the Wizard of Oz?

Are devil’s food cake, deviled eggs and devil dogs allowed in heaven? Is there an ‘In & Out Burger’ in heaven . . . if not can you get one established there before I die? Are the gates of Heaven really pearly?

Is there a ‘special place in Hell for really bad people’ or is Hell just a generally hellish place?  

Is Madonna going straight to Hell and, if so, what was the straw that broke the camel’s back? – The burning crosses in the music video ‘Like a Prayer’, her book ‘Sex’, or the fact that she goes by the name ‘Madonna’ and does not exactly exemplify the life of her namesake?

Is the Joan Osborne song correct? Are You just a slob like one of us . . . just a stranger on the bus? . . .Yeah, yeah, God is great.

Finally, some people find it profound that ‘God’ spelled backwards is ‘dog’. They look for all kinds of hidden meanings in this spelling turnabout. However, I don’t understand what the big deal is. It seems somewhat obvious to me. Dogs sleep, eat, play and have sex. That seems pretty divine!