Two weeks ago the East Coast of the U.S. experienced the wrath of Tropical Storm “Isaias”. This was the second Tropical Storm to make its way up the East Coast of the U.S. in the past month.
Here in the New York metropolitan area my favorite meteorologists – Dr. Tempest and Dr. Squall heralded the arrival of Tropical Storm Isaias with the following live coverage (the transcript of their broadcast has been reprinted here for your reading enjoyment):
Dr. Squall: “In anticipation of the devastating storm people are hoarding such necessary supplies as bottled water, batteries and Slim Jims.”
Dr. Tempest: “What exactly is a Slim Jim Dr. Squall?”
Dr. Squall: “Jerky.”
Dr. Tempest: “Who the hell are you calling a jerk you buffoon?”
Dr. Squall: “No, I’m not calling you a jerk. A Slim Jim is a type of beef jerky. And who are you calling a buffoon? What is a buffoon anyway – a cross between a buffalo and a raccoon? Why isn’t that a raccalo?”
Dr. Tempest: “Why don’t we just explain to the audience what they can expect from Isaias?
Dr. Squall: “Well, to start off, the winds will be brutal. Any paper, cardboard, etc. left outside will most certainly be blown away by Isaias. As will leaves, twigs, and small rodents.”
Dr. Tempest: “Yes, and it will rain too. Perhaps an inch or two. Maybe even three. People should be prepared with an umbrella, windbreaker and/or rubbers.”
Dr. Squall: “Rubbers? Aah yes, of course. We like to encourage safe sex during storm season.”
Dr. Tempest: “And there may be some flooding in low lying areas and places with poor drainage in general. There will definitely be puddles of standing water. Larger puddles of standing water, or standing pools of water as we like to refer to them, are possible too.”
Given all of the tropical storm activity this summer here’s some useful tips:
Tip #1: Time is of the essence when evacuating coastal areas and all traffic laws, as well as, criminal laws are automatically suspended. Feel free to run people off the road who get in your way. Especially if they are driving at 40 mph in the left lane of the highway with their left blinker on. These people aren’t going to make it out of the area in time anyway so you will be doing them and other people who are trying to get out of the area a favor. Remember what Spock from Star Trek used to say – “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few”. Get out of the friggin’ way.
Tip #2: A hurricane is only as good as the party you throw to celebrate its arrival. So, invite some friends over and relax, enjoy yourself, everything is going to be OK. And if it isn’t, at least you will have had one hell of a time riding out the storm together. Partying will take your mind off of all of the destruction and chaos occurring outside. It will also help to dull the pain when you get smacked in the head with a 2 x 4 from your wall when the hurricane hits your house. Sure, you’ll probably have one hell of a hang-over the next day – if you’re not dead – but at least you can brag to your neighbors that they were all a bunch of wimps for evacuating.
Tip #3: Looting is not only necessary; it’s essential for survival. Obviously during a natural disaster, you are going to run out of critical items like TVs, microwave ovens, jewelry, liquor, etc. Face it; you are not going to be able to pack everything you’ll need when you evacuate. Retail establishments are going to get damaged anyway and besides, they’re insured. So be sure to take what you need and leave something for your neighbor to loot – I mean take. It may seem inherently wrong, but remember “ask not, want not”. If it’s free, I’ll take three.
Tip #4: If you live near a mobile home park, then you definitely want to get as far away from it as possible. It is well established in the field of meteorology that tornadoes, tropical storms, and hurricanes are attracted to mobile homes. The high concentration of metal in mobile home parks creates an atmospheric anomaly that changes the magnetic polarity of the ions in the atmosphere thereby creating a preferential pathway of potential energy that directs tornados, tropical storms, and hurricanes toward mobile home parks. OK, not really but it sounds right doesn’t it? Anyway, if there is mobile home park around it’s guaranteed that a tornado, tropical storm or hurricane will obliterate it.
Tip #5: Remember to file your property damage claims with your insurance company as soon as possible — and often. Your insurance company doesn’t expect you to be accurate in your damage assessment. After all, you’ve just been traumatized by a hurricane. You can’t be expected to remember whether you lived in a one-bedroom condo or a five-bedroom McMansion.
Here’s a helpful hint when filing a property damage claim with your insurance company: you just moved into a brand new, big-ass house before the hurricane hit. What a shame about all that damage. You can’t even find any remains of your new house. Don’t worry, the insurance companies expect people to “pad” their claims. It’s OK, everyone does it.
Tip #6: If you’re short on cash after a hurricane, don’t worry. The federal government will help you out. Just look for the “FEMA” signs in the devastated areas; it’s like going to an ATM machine except you don’t need an account. Most people think “FEMA” stands for the “Federal Emergency Management Agency”, but actually “FEMA” stands for “Free, Easy Money Available”. Don’t worry about completing any annoying forms, just ask the nice FEMA people for a cash advance. After all, they’re civil servants – it’s their job to help you out. Go ahead, make their day.
Well, good luck surviving this year’s hurricane season.
Copyright 2020 “The Welcome Matt”